Watching a notallmen car crash slowly catch fire while falling off a cliff has me thinking.

Originally shared by Rob Donoghue

Watching a notallmen car crash slowly catch fire while falling off a cliff has me thinking.

One super pernicious thing about notallmen is that, functionally, it is often about men expressing hurt feelings, and the reasons this is not really appropriate at this time (most often because it's an attempt to change the conversation to being about the dude's hurt feelings rather than whatever it was about.

I call it pernicious because, in function, it's the same thing that a lot of guys deal with when struggling with toxic masculinity, which also tells us that our feelings don't matter and we shouldn't talk about them (albeit for very different reasons).

I don't bring this up as an excuse, but rather as a warning to fellow guys who are still dealing with that twitch to notallmen it up when a generalization about men hurts. The right answer is always to stop and think before you post, and by think I mean really think about the context and how much is or isn't about you, and how much your voice needs to be heard right now.

But it might still hurt. Sometimes people we care about manage to kick us right in a vulnerable spot in their upset. Sometimes they connect so profoundly and personally that we feel we must respond, because the only other option is the genuinely shitty "real men don't feel stuff".

If that happens, there are better ways to respond. You can take it to your own platform and share your hurt (don't turn it into an attack).. You can have a private conversation (Later!), and if you don't feel comfortable having that private conversation, then definitely take that as a reason to consider if that is an indication that this might be less personal than you think.

You can also unfollow or mute people. Even if you agree with them, even if you consider yourself "on their side". If it's causing you genuine hurt, then stop. Self care is a necessity, not a luxury.

But above all - think. All this? This is part of the thinking.

And if you are out there, struggling with that notallmen instinct, I'm with you. It's not easy, and people who tell you it is are welcome to live in their bubble of smugness. But it's something you gotta do. And it's something you can do.