So let's say someone mentions an abusive person is in our midst...

Originally shared by Brie “Beau” Sheldon

So let's say someone mentions an abusive person is in our midst...

(trust me, they exist.)

What do you do if you don't know who it is?

When someone tweets or subtweets about abusive behavior (or even just stale bagel behavior (prejudice)) and how people are contributing to it or allowing it to happen, and you aren't sure what they're talking about, or if you're worried it might be you allowing it to happen, check in!

As someone who does check in, here's what I do.

I respond to them: "Please let me know if it involves me!"

No persistence, no "reassure me," no advance apology. Just "hey, am I missing something?" This puts little weight on them, but opens up a window for them to share with you and make our environment safer.

We are not free of abusers - we as the collective of everyone I know and who they know and so on - and we shouldn't pretend that we are, and we should be prepared to deal with it when the time comes that someone mentions it or reveals the abuser's identity.

The reality is that we need to be willing to acknowledge that

1) we may be in contact with an abuser

2) we may need to find out that they are an abuser

3) we may need to accept that they are an abuser (without demanding such evidence, without expectation of validation)

4) we may (and should) offer at least some degree of support and understanding to the survivor(s)

5) we may need to decide whether we keep in contact with them, and in what context

6) we may need to tell them why we are breaking contact with them (which may ONLY be safe for people with privilege, and ONLY is okay if we have permission from the survivor(s) and are sure they will not be harmed for this explanation) or choosing to keep it confidential

7) we may need to take responsibility for staying in contact with them, because it may enable them to further abuse people, manipulate people, and continue to alienate those who have been through abuse - who are most at risk

8) we may need to sacrifice something of our own to protect others

...but honestly, I don't think anyone will do that. But we can try.